I Am Whole & I Am Complete: A Journey of Shadow Integration
This guided meditation is best enjoyed and most useful when listened to with eyes closed while resting. You can find the audio track on Soundcloud, here.
I Am Whole & I Am Complete: A Journey of Shadow Integration
by Cassandra Pereira
I begin this moment
with a deep breath.
I am here, now, to do
important work.
I am here, now, to heal,
I am here to repair,
I am here to reveal and
to embrace
my true self.
I know this important work
requires total presence.
I’m not in a rush.
This is the work of a lifetime.
I relax, breathing, knowing
I have my life to do it.
And my life is now, this moment.
And I am here, unafraid.
And I am doing it.
I am proud of myself
for taking this moment,
I am proud of myself,
for doing this important,
inner, lifelong work.
I ready myself for this
inward journey, now:
I center myself through my breath.
I quiet the chatter of my mind.
I sink deeper into the deeper
reality of me.
Breathing open space within me,
I feel welcome here.
Sinking into the weight of my body,
I feel supported here.
I feel safe to
go deeper still.
A luxuriant green
of emerald forest now comes
to life all around me:
warm, calm, abundant, life-giving.
I enter this forest as my strongest self.
I summon my most brave
and admirable qualities.
My best me, the peaceful warrior.
I enter my deepest reality now.
I enter, with eyes closed,
I look inward with a steady gaze.
I hold my chest and chin proud,
I set my shoulders back, relaxed.
Breathing deeply,
I am confident.
I can do what I am here to do.
I am brave.
I am here to find
and to reclaim
lost pieces of me.
Yes, I am so brave that
I can face the whole
truth —
I am here to find
and to reclaim
the pieces of me
that I’ve abandoned.
I keep my presence in my body and breath,
as I remember now what I have done:
When they told me
“You’re not good enough.”
I identified the reasons why,
and broke those pieces of me
off, and dropped them into
a shadowy abyss.
Not Me.
When they told me
“I just don’t like you.”
I chiseled those pieces of me
off — Not Me — and sanded down
a smooth facade.
When they told me,
“You’re not cool.
Nobody likes you.
You’re annoying.
You’ve got problems.
Nobody cares.
You’re a loser.”
Every piece of me
that received those words,
I kicked off violently,
I scratched and scrubbed
ferociously until I felt clean
of them —
Not Me.
Not Me.
Down into the shadows
all these pieces of “Not Me”
dropped, but never died.
They fell into a pile,
which then took on a form.
My own form, in reverse.
My own Mr. Hyde.
It’s okay.
I’m here to fix this.
I am here to become whole now.
Looking to the tall, beautiful trees before me,
I move towards the dark thickness of this forest.
I am not afraid.
I breathe a deep breath
of luscious air for courage.
I step into the shadows.
Breathing deeply and slowly,
I go deeper into my own inner world.
Now, between the trees, I see
a mirror of black water;
a portal, opening.
I breathe to keep calm,
and gaze in.
There: It’s me.
My face, my hair, my eyes.
But these eyes are red,
hot and full of tears.
I see my shoulders,
but these shoulders
are convoluted and concave.
My stomach, but distended.
My jaw, jut sideways,
My nose, snarling, grunting.
It is me in grotesque,
a distorted portrait.
I see myself now,
this living sculpture
self-assembled
with every rejected
piece of me.
Every part of me
I’ve ever hated.
Every part of me
I’ve been ashamed of.
This other me who’s taken all the blame
every part of me I don’t want to be, but am.
I breathe through my heart.
I summon my greatest compassion.
I see the me who’s borne this blame
and guilt and condemnation.
I see the depth of suffering,
a loyal friend banished,
a child, though misguided,
called bad and blamed.
Rejected. Disowned.
“I’ve come to take you home.”
My shadow glares at me
desperately distrusting.
Wreathed in rage,
stinging with injustice.
But I do not turn away.
I will never again turn away from you.
I move towards myself with love.
I do not blame you,
You are not wicked.
You are not bad.
You do not deserve pain.
You do not deserve shame.
You deserve to be loved.
And I love you.
I’m sorry that I was weak,
but I am brave now.
I am brave enough to see the truth
of what I’ve done to you.
I am brave enough to see the truth
of what I have done to myself.
I see the truth
of what I’ve done to you.
I see the truth
of what I’ve done to myself.
And it’s okay.
I’m here to fix this.
I am here to become whole now.
Beneath this peaceful warrior armor,
so heavy a disguise,
I feel my incompleteness opening,
an incompleteness I no longer hide.
I remove my heavy armor, and
kneel down in the soft moss
of the soft emerald earth,
cool and firm on my knees.
I gaze more deeply, still,
into the black water reflection.
I see my guilt-ridden,
shamed-consumed,
self-loathing shadow.
I let my heart shine its light.
I am here for you,
every abandoned piece of me.
The spoiled brat,
the disappointment,
the loser.
You, wild thing,
sexual deviant,
irrational aggressor:
You are my sister.
You are my mother.
You are my one true friend.
You are my self.
I am here for all of you.
I claim every piece.
I choose to love you,
even if no one else can.
I choose to love myself
as a complete person.
I choose to see all of myself
whole and complete.
I accept myself and all that I am now,
and all that I have ever been.
I am here to take you home,
because you are worthy
of a place called home.
And when you go to the shadows,
I will come here with you.
When I am in the light,
you are the light with me.
I am here with a heart strong
enough to hold all that I am.
I am here with a love strong
enough to hold myself complete.
I am here with a love strong
enough to hold myself together.
I am here to reclaim myself.
I am here to embrace myself.
Please, embrace me.
Accept me.
Love me.
Breathing deeply in,
warm, calm, abundant,
life-giving air,
I open my chest,
and open my heart.
With the gravity of love,
I pull my twin’s image into me.
I feel my body renewing with life.
As you come to me,
so I move towards you.
Breathing in,
I feel my body fill with life.
Breathing out,
I release ever feeling bad about this.
It is beautiful to be complete.
It is beautiful to love all of me.
I am not ashamed for who I am.
I am not ashamed for who I’ve been.
I am whole and I am complete.
And I am brave.
I am brave enough
to claim every piece of me,
and love me,
love me,
love me.
